Remus's Moon
by Kali Rhian
Summary: He lay there, in a pool of his own blood. Strange, it's his own double personality that is his greatest physical threat, and emotional, his friends insist on breaking him unknowingly.
1. Default Chapter

Remus's Moon

Complex slash

(MWPP era)

* * *

"Sirius-" 

The sound was throaty, harsh as it escaped his throat. The dark boy turned around.

"Yes, Moony?"

Remus allowed a slightly pleading look to spill into his face, still uncertain of the boy's reaction, still uncertain of his decision. "Will you be gone long?"

A smile flooded his dark face, but the light did not reach his eyes, "Of course I won't." He turned slowly, out of the shadowed doorway and he heard his footsteps echo softly down the hallway. He listened until there were no more sounds, and he waited. The flickering lights in the hall dimmed, and the door creaked on it's rusty hinges and threatened to crumble. The wood was decaying, and the crude cushions he was pushed aganist were becoming hard and unwelcome.

What he wouldn't give for hot chocolate on such a cold Christmas...

This Christmas James had gone home, Sirius was avoiding his parents until the ineviable. Peter had gone home as well, to help out, he had said. Attacks were becoming more common, and it was right that Peter and James would go to their homes that defied this darkness, and that Sirius stay away from the Dark Lord, and the poison his name tranferred in the blood.

He began to wonder where Sirius had gone off to, but didn't worry, even as the lights dimmed and the wax dripped more and more he did not wonder. Then the wicks began to run out, and the howl and cold seemed to pass through the flimsy wood. _Where is Sirius? _He wondered, and then began to lower his head in resignation. The night hours passed, wind howling and the rain and snow pelting aganist the roof.

An awful sadness captured him, because he waited too long.

* * *

The morning was already spilling through the cracks in the shack, ripped furniture over-turned and tattered into shreds, his body still shaking with the shock of his recent transformation. Torn wood lay scattered on the floor, rug overturn and thrown against the wall, dust beginning to settle once more before his monthly atrocity would attack once more. 

The door creaked open then, and Remus could smell the scent of dog, more specifically, he could smell Sirius. He heard his footfall, which was light and easy, and he could not explain why, but he felt betrayed.

"Oi there!" Sirius called up the stairs, before walking up with a cheerful gait. "Sorry about the hold up, ran into _Snivellus_." The name was pronounced in a grimace that was practically heard in his voice. Remus couldn't help but feel that Snape was just an excuse; he was always an excuse for something else.

Sirius crossed the room in long strides, and promptly fell into a sitting position next to Remus's exhausted figure. He rustled around his cloak pocket, "Right, here is some butterbeer, oh—and some chocolate frogs, and-" his fumbled around for something else, "bother." He heard him mutter, "Bloody wanking pockets, ah!" A magazine flew out of his cloak, and almost smacked Remus in the head.

"Watch it, Padfoot. Becoming decapitated and incarcerated is not an appealing thought at the moment."

Sirius rolled his eyes, "You aren't _locked _in here, you know. It's just that you're too exhausted to make it back to the castle. You look wretched." He said all this with an obnoxious smile Remus felt like punching.

"Well aren't you one for boosting confidence in this miscreant morning," the sarcasm dripped off his words like syrup.

"Anytime old buddy ol pal!" Then he had to go and use those insufferable American sayings. Remus thought it sounded ridiculous with a British accent.

To Sirius, the 'Old West' was the golden age. Sirius rifled through the magazine, he held it the side, turning his head, looking at the page with amazement on his face. Remus looked at him, then turned and swiftly yanked it out of his grasp.

"What a load of rubbish," although his mouth did fall open at the scene on the page.

Sirius smiled with a dazed look, "Oh well!" He said hurriedly, and Remus looked up suddenly at Sirius, surprised. "Let's head back, Pomfrey will have my head if we don't."

Remus sighed and dusted himself off, "Oh all right." He looked up, to find Sirius staring at him with those black eyes.

"Are you sure you're all right?"

Remus knew Sirius was genuinely concerned, and he did not want to worry him, "Of course I am," he said with a smile. But just like Sirius, the smile did not reach his eyes. He was not, in fact, alright. He was tired and hungry, and he felt emptiness, like this entire cycle would never end, and it never did. His bones ached and so did every muscle on his body; he had cleaned the blood away because Sirius always blanched at the sight of it, even though he would not admit it. He felt an open gash down his spinal cord and the crudely cleaned wounds on his face. His entire midsection was bruised and he felt as if he had been hit by a train. Of course he was alright.

Sirius looked satisfied, "Okay then, let's get you to the Hospital Wing." He promptly turned into Padfoot, barking at his feet and nipping affectionately at his heel.

"Right then, you go and press the knot; I don't need any further grievances." The dog wagged his tail excitedly, and disappeared down the tunnel. All the while, he wondered what really kept Sirius from coming back that night, why he had broken his promise. He saw the scraggly dog's paw rest on the knot, and the Whomping Willow lay sedated and calm. It was colder outside, and he felt it pierced him directly. He wanted the warm fire of the common room more than anything at the moment.

A wet nose jarred his thoughts as it went into the palm of his dangling hand, and led him to the castle. An unnatural sight they would pose, a scraggly dog leading a boy who staggered with every few steps, with gashes and torn clothing lying in tattered remains on his body.

They neared the castle, the snow falling around them in a cold reminder of winter, and right before they entered the castle, Sirius changed back. He looked back to Remus, and his smile faltered—he really did look terrible. He felt guilt creep into him, but immediately squashed it and held it down while it suffocated. He smiled at his friend encouragingly.

Remus looked up, utterly spent and ready to pass out; he was beyond any hope of pride. He was barely able to whisper a few words while watching his friend's face change with a chilling happiness. He felt himself falling directly into the snow, and knew that his body was betraying him into fatigue. "Why didn't you come back, Sirius?" With a thump, he landed on the cold snow, the water seeping through his clothes.

The snow around Remus was quickly turning an awful crimson color, and Sirius panicked. He ran to him, and crouched down, thoughts whirling. He shouldn't touch him; that he knew.

A small first year stepped down the stairs, staring wide eyed at the scene before her, clutching a letter. She looked transfixed and shocked; it made Sirius oddly very angry.

"Don't just stand there, get Madame Pomfrey!" He bellowed quite rudely at the poor girl, and perhaps it was unfair, but one of his best friends was lying in the snow bleeding, and hell take him if that wasn't something to be hysterical about. His hands lingered above his head, reluctant to touch him, "Moony?" he probed hesitantly, "hey, is anyone in there?"

He pondered what Remus had said, he would forget it. After all, he couldn't explain it either. He couldn't explain the feeling of losing control and needing to gain the upper hand. He needed someone to need him, and it was a pitiful thought. His mind paused in acute horror of his thoughts.

He didn't go back because he wanted to so badly, he didn't go back because that would mean that Moony had a hold over him, and he couldn't allow that. He was a bloody coward and Moony was bleeding all over the snow because of him.

He racked his hands through his hair nervously, how could he be pondering in his thoughts whenwhen he friends was lying face-down in the snow, resting in his own blood?

He turned around to the sound of panicked running behind him, and was shoved away as Remus was lifted into a magical stretcher. He watched them disappear into the castle and take Moony with them, blast Christmas and blast the bloody holidays when there was no James.

He looked around him for a moment, wide eyed and staring. What the bloody hell was he doing standing here in the middle of the snow? He ran inside the castle, and didn't stop until he was at the infirmary, watching Remus become delivered into safe hands and he felt comforted. His eyes fluttered shut.

* * *

Everything was groggy and hazy when he woke, and he felt bruised beyond any comparison as he lay on the hospital bed. "Arg-" he managed to spit out instead of any coherent words. There was an unidentified heat source at the side of his cot, he sighed. It was Sirius's head. Remus looked down at him with sad, hazel eyes. He felt infinitely sad, as if a void that would never be closed gaped open in front of him. The boy sleeping in front of him stirred a shame in him, and he felt the need to speak something, if only to hear and confirm his voice exsisted. He paused, took a breath, and spoke the first word that came to mind. 

"Need," he managed to whisper softly to the dark head.

There was a silence, and he was afraid he had woken him with his throaty voice.

"Want," Sirius spoke softly in his sleep, into his arms yet he heard him nonetheless. His head stirred, and with a rush of panic, Remus suddenly knew that he had been awake the entire time. Sirius looked up at him with clear eyes, a determined look, and Remus forced himself not to be embarrassed. He hand found Remus's, and clutched it hard. He clutched it like he would never touch him again, and Remus had to bite his lip so he did not cry out in pain.

"Let go of me Sirius," he spoke quietly, and his hand was released. Sirius brought his head close to Remus, so close their noses were nearly touching. But he merely had an inquisitive look, as if searching for some answer while he squirmed uncomfortably.

"I'll get you some food," Sirius stood up, as if nothing had passed between them, and maybe, well maybe nothing had.

He found himself wondering once more, and he remebered the cold snow, so very cold and biting. It seemed his ears throbbed with noise before everything numbed down to a tunnel that now fled from his subconscience to his waking thoughts. It had been a tunnel, dark, yet spinning to a light at the end. He had stumbled before it, exhausted and feeling dream-blood cake his wounds. He felt the gashes on his face begin to bleed again, and then, well then he remembered no more, as if his memory had been swept up before him, wiped clean.

_Sirius brought me here, _he thought, _and never came back. _

* * *

Well, that's that for now. Hope it's not _painfully _obvious...I was trying to set a slightly darker tone, this whole scene mostly inspired by some awesome art that's found at Harry Potter and the Planetarium. I tried the link but it didn't work. Just type that in a search engine. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Of Leather and Motorcyle Boys

A/N: Okay, this is later...you'll notice I skip quite a bit. Graduation was the day before, and ended with Remus being pissy and Sirius being mopey. So sorry if it confuses anyone. If you want a filler for the in-between space I'll do one...I just thought it wouldn't be necesary because all that needed to be seen was Sirius's recluctance to become attached and Remus's confusion. Enjoy...

"If I died tonight, would you hold my hand, and would you understand?  
And if I lied in spite, would you still even care, or would you diappear?

...I'll get over you, but I won't make you love me."

The Cranberries

* * *

Remus loved the smell of blackberry tea, the scent rising through the air, tickling his scenes. The cold air of Britain's winter filtered through the screen window, as he sat in his lounge contently, sipping idly with one foot propped up on the seat of the chair, barefoot. 

The sudden knock startled him, and he rose slowly to the small peephole. It was cloudy, fogged up with mists that still clung to the humble apartment flat desperately. His hand closed around the knob, turning it slightly, an idea on his mind of whom this might be.

Sirius was on his front porch, a pathetically sorry look plastered on his face, in his hands remnants of a chocolate bar.

Remus promptly shut the door right in from of his impetuous face.

'Right, alright then,' he heard him mutter. 'I even saved him a bloody piece of chocolate and all he does is shove the bloody door in my face...' he continued muttering, until Remus was satisfied as the apparition pop sounded outside. He didn't even turn back around to the comfort of his grey walls, yet absently picked up his tea and simultaneously muttered every curse he had ever had the patience to memorize.

He hears a stifled laugh behind him.

'Could that even fit?' Remus whirled around, the anger showing raw on his face.

'Get out,' he hears himself utter, he wants this thing called Sirius to go away, to stop tormenting him, hadn't he done enough?

Another sound was made apparent behind him, an exasperated sigh, 'Come _off _it Moony!'

Remus could imagine his whole body swaying with the effort he put into his words, but, Remus couldn't be positive for he _refused _to turn around.

'Right, come off it; dismiss everything you did with a simple wave of my hand….No. Not this time, Sirius.' He spoke with his back to him, and absentmindedly pulled a book form the shelf, gazing at the cover once, and then putting it back. He continued doing so.

'Remus, I already _told _you, I swear I didn't know she would be there-'

'YOU HURLED THE BLOODY BLUDGER RIGHT FOR HER HEAD!'

He had the decency to look aggrieved, 'I did not,' he argued meekly.

'If James had not stepped in-'

Remus left his words hanging, making Sirius imagine the grim situation himself. 'And at our bloody graduation party you prat, what possessed you?'

He now faced him head on, daring him to offer his meek excuse, it would not pardon him this time. This time, Remus wouldn't let him get away with everything as he usually did, this time, well, this time he'd be upset a bit more than usual. Ah, he was pathetic.

'Well, _she_ doesn't seem to hate me-' Sirius offered.

'That's because she was still in SHOCK!' He added extra emphasis to his soft debate, making Sirius jump. It grew silent, as if the air was tightly strung and ready to snap at any moment. It was still quiet when Sirius made his decision.

He advanced dangerously, fixing Remus with a smoldering glare, full of a hot anger. 'I tell you now, _it was nothing.' _He added softly with a dodgy tone, 'Forget it Remus.'

'You cannot simply forget events that happened.'

Sirius looked up at him sharply, 'No, but you can move on.'

He took a breath, steadying his temper, 'Sirius,you have no idea how hard it is for me to move on.'

'Really Moony,' the sarcasm plunged itno his tone, 'enlighten me.'

Remus stopped, and looked panicked for a second. He calmed his breath slowly, 'this is a pointless conversation.'

His eyes darted quickly, and he opened his mouth to take back his words.

Sirius's face twisted into a grimace, 'What was that Moony?' He stalked towards him again.

'Pointless, is it? Just like every other conversation that includes me making a valid point. Am I right Remus?'

He knew then that his slip of words had taken a drastic turn. Now Remus was touching on a dangerous subject, one that was still left untouched, still delicate and easy to hurt.

'Sirius I-'

'No, Remus.' The boy proceeded in walking towards him, until his nose was almost touching the other boy's, eyes still bright with anger, and his body shaking with the suppressed urge to probably pummel him.

Remus spoke with a shaky hitch, 'Sirius, what are you doing?' He knew whenever his anger was provoked, it was potentially dangerous. He had seen it lash out before, and every day at Hogwarts whenever Severus decided to make an entrance.

A dangerously quiet tone entered into his voice, startling him with its whisper.

"What more do you want from me Moony?"

It was completely silent; Remus did not know what to say to him.

"I screwed up, and blame myself enough without having your suppressed anger lashing out occasionally." He paused again, the intense look on his face scrunching up his brows and he turned his head to the left slightly, looking away from him.

"Why don't you just do it now, let it all out, let out all these frustrations you have towards my screwed up nature so that it never plagues you again!"

Remus felt the guilt creep in, it was rather unfair of him to prolong this incident over him, but didn't he have a right to be upset? Remus wanted nothing more than to vent his anger out, to release its hold over him but…he couldn't. He did not know how.

The yelling wasn't helping; it just made him want to scream louder, to pull his hair out, and to tear at his face with insanity for what he could not decipher. What did he want to do? Remus didn't know. He found he was silent for too long.

"Forget about it," he heard himself speak, "I'm just moody before the full tomorrow."

He snorted incredulously, "All right, I'll buy that, for now." He fixed Remus with an intense look, as if daring him to pull that one again. "Right, it's just moody moony tonight. Nothing else, and nothing less."

He looked down, shame once again sending goosebumps down his arms; he then decided to crack this tense atmosphere.

Remus broke a wide smile, "All right then,'he cleared his throat with an announcing noise. 'let's see that motor bike of yours!"

He looked at him for a brief moment, and then decided to shelve this anger for a bit, and all traces of it disappeared. His grin was white, and flashing. Snapping his fingers together, a black leather jacket materialized before him and fell on his outstretched arm. He pulled sunglasses seemingly out of air and set them over his eyes. Pulling the jacket sleeves over his shoulders, he represented the perfect picture of your classic bad boy. He smiled a lady-killer smile, "Let's go."

* * *

I had no idea where this reckless idea would take us, but it would save me the guilt I would rather not face. Oh Sirius, why do you make me feel so bad? Why must every action be explained? I turned and looked at your face; you were staring with that intense black stare that reminded me of _that_ morning, in the Hospital Wing. You see everything, don't you? 

That's right, turn around, avert that staring gaze from me, try to ignore the strong smell of leather pressed againstmy chest as I straddle your hips on the bike, try to not feel the silver zipper bite into my arm, and resist thinking which deer this leather had been skinned from. Instead Remus Lupin, focus on the scent of the leather, of the smell rising through your nostrils and dub it to Sirius, smell the soft shampoo that proved that he had showered before coming over. Don't stare like an idiot at your hands, do something with them, hold on, to something.

"Er- Padfoot?"

"Yeah?" He seemed preoccupied, probably dreaming up this little ride of his, he obviously wasn't affected by thinking too much, trying to analyze a situation that didn't need it, or pondering the unique smell of leather and shampoo that smelled of citrus. Weren't dog shampoos scented citrus? Thinking too much again, Remus. He realized he didn't continue the conversation.

He fumbled with words, somehow, 'Where do I put my hands?' didn't sound too right in his head, and instead, he said: "Where do I hang on?"

He laughed, as if hearing his mental dilemma, "Around my middle, prat, where else?"

Remus slowly did as he was bid, sliding his hands across the black leather, feeling the smooth texture under his fingertips. The leather seemed to hum, almost purr under his subtle caress. He awkwardly reached around Sirius's stomach and felt the slight movement of each breath he took. He found the rising of Sirius's chest fascinating. His hands found each other and clutched in front of Sirius's chest. He found his head pressed up against his back and the leather was soft against his cheek, he wanted to massage his cheek against it, what an absurd thought. Instead, he held his hands over Sirius awkwardly, afraid to let them fall into an uncompromising situation, that would lead to an embarrassment that was entirely unnecessary.

Sirius's body heat was quite the throbbing one, he wondered if he was the same, or if anyone was. He usually avoided this sort of contact.

"Where are we going, exactly?" He almost gulped with the obvious nerves that bubbled at his throat.

"Nervous are we?"

"Bloody terrified."

He laughed, the sound rumpled through his throat, and he pressed himself closer to the leather. He felt the sound soak into him, and then the hum of the bike began. It vibrated underneath him, and rose with a frightening speed. The light beamed on suddenly, bright and unyielding. He felt a pulling in his navel, similar to a portkey, when the next thing he felt, was amazing.

The wind pushed his headline back, opening his mouth and he let out a huge, "Whoop!" of delight. He didn't know something could be this fun; he clutched tighter to the warm body in front of him, and yelled into the air, the wind rushing around them in an adrenaline rush. He felt the cool wind bite, yet not bit aganist him, felt each strong caress lacing him like a lover's promise, and he threw his head back and yelled through the growing altitiude.

Sirius heard Remus's laugh, and smiled his lady-killer smile for all the night sky to see, and for Remus to feel.

* * *

A/N: Okay, wondering where i was going to put this little brainfart of mine...I guess I sort of make little stand alone fics that somehow fit together. Don't expect a series or any congragation of chapters that follow a plot...sorry. I once started one, and never got past the prolouge. Something about a thought-out story really kills the thrill or enlightenment of writing before I even touch the keyboard. 


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